CRAZINESS

Ok... so there has been some super crazy happenings at home lately.... Dee left, Bubba left, then we got 2 more girls the same day Madi was adopted... Im going to refer to them as Kiki and Jay... they are 12 and 8.  Then... on Wednesday, we got the girls' brother on an emergency basis becuase his last foster parents possibly hit him... he came with the clothes he was wearing and his coat.. and that was it.  SO we had to do some emergency shopping for him and wrapping!! 
AND... my computer crashed on Friday, so I havent had a chance to update anything.

Mikes taking the puter to his brothers on Sunday to try to fix it (PRAY.. haha!).

I cant wait to be able to show off pictures of our gorgeous new Madison!  She looked so pretty on her adoption day!! :o)

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

PRAISE GOD.. SOME GOOD NEWS!!

Tomorrow @ 3:45

Our precious little girl with officially become:

MADISON CHRISTINE MATSON

Praise God... He came through just when we needed some good news... and with such a miracle!!  Its so amazing... all the Glory must go to God!!  Our paperwork is not 100% finished, and they were going to make us wait until Jan, but becuase it wasnt anything we could help, they pushed it through for tomorrow!!

YAY GOD!

Feeling a little lost...

I keep expecting to hear a lil man crying to let me know hes done sleeping and its time for cuddles.
I should be getting breakfast ready for him.
There is no lil boy laundry to do.. and since I finished all Madi's and ours on Tuesday, theres no laundry to do.
Becuase my wonderful mom was here yesterday, there isnt even anything to clean.
I could wrap presents, but I dont want to sort through the christmas presents to find Madi's... becuase inevitably, I will run into Bubba and Dee Dee's gifts that we havent had a chance to give to them yet.  Ever?

Im just feeling a little lost.  Im not sure what to do with myself.  Maybe a nap will help me clear my head and find something to do.  I already baked some tasty banana bread...

Bubba..

Our caseworker called and said the judge ordered Bubba home today.  They wouldnt even allow her to testify.  Our ONLY hope is now Dee Dee.  She has an appt with an abuse specialist for them to try to get her to talk about the abuse with them...but its not until Jan 5th.  So he will at least be with them till then.
We can not believe a judge would send a boy home to his abusive parents.  Its simply ridiculous.  Im so angry and sad... no, those words are to weak.  Take those words times 1000 and thats about what I'm feeling.

I honestly feel like I can breathe.

Court Today

Court today... well, for lack of a better word, SUCKED.
We waited around for 3 hours only to walk into the room, sit for 5 mins and have our hearts brutally ripped from our chests.
Basically, the kids lawyer used a lot of legal mumbo jumbo and droned on for 3 mins about how the previous abuse allegations where unfounded and there were new allegations from Dee, but an investigation hasnt been opened.  Then the lawyers for the parents said this has drug on forever (a whole 4 mos) and its time for them to come home now.  The judge was all kinds of apologetic to the parents (what the heck?) and said your right, it has been to long, blah blah.  SO there is a shelter hearing on Wed to determine if there home is suitable.  Suitable for what... oh, nothin much, just for Bubba to return home.  Thats the point in time when our hearts where ripped out.  Judge still says Dad cant live there.. yeah right, cause they followed that last time, but bubba can go home.  What crack are these people smoking?  How is it ok to send a little boy home who was obviously neglected, and whose sister was s*xually abused?  Oh man... I cant even get started.

THEN.. this is my fav... we stepped up to talk to the lawyer and guardium ad litum after they dismissed the parents and the lawyer listened, mostly, but the guardium... not at all.  AND THEN, she left the room and went and got Dee, who was with our agency caseworker, and took her out to see her parents.  The very same people that she was freaking out about becuase she didnt want to see them today and was assuared she wouldnt.  She, of course, was happy, but when her dad picked her up, she began to shake, badly.  Later when her new foster dad and mike and i came out she was still shakey and she told us she was shaking becuase her dad made her that way.  I asked why, she said becuase Im scared.  When our agency caseworker heard this, she went to tell the guardium, who basically said, yea right, i saw her react to her dad, she was happy to see him.  She simply wouldnt listen to any of us.  The caseworker was floored, she couldnt believe it!!!

Needless to say... we were FREAKING out.  What could we do... what can we do???  Nothing.  But wait.  UGH.
So our AMAZING CASEWORKER, who was as upset about the idea of Alex going home as us, went to her supervisor and they talked about what to do.  If nothing was done, they were going to have us all call childline and report stuff.  But, at 8 tonight, she texted me to say that she would be testifing at the shelter hearing on wed and they opened an investigation and would probably be calling to talk to us about Dee's claims.
Im still freaking out.  Still trying to hang on to the threads that seem to be holding this family together. 
I was reminded of this song today in the car:
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

And trying to live by these words.

Adjusting Again... and Court Tomorrow

We are adjusting... again.  From one kid, to three, back to two.  Madi had a hard time and was very moppy on Saturday... and then today displayed a lot of bad behaviors, and temper tantrums.  Hoping tomorrow she can get back to some of that good behavior we have seen from her in the last 2 weeks.  I was really thinking it was the begining of the end of the "Nasties" from her.  The hissing, growling, yelling, screaming, frustrated jumping... we call that her "nasties".  Heres to praying that tomorrow will be better than today!!!
And tomorrow is court for Bubba and Dee Dee.  Dee's new foster dad is bringing her, so we will get to see her.. YAY! :o) We are praying that the KIDS best interests are first and foremost thought about... and not the parents.  That the suspension of visits would stand and that they would somehow prove some of these s*xual abuse claims.
The kids county never asks kids to come to court, but Dee has to come, so we are really praying for her.. and for her not to have to answer any questions... especially so soon after moving into a new home!!

Thanks for the extra prayers!!!

Dee Dee is Gone

Well, after a whirlwind week of CRAZINESS.... Dee has left our home and family and went to live with a new family.
Things change everyday and sometimes a couple times a day all week with what was going to happen to her and Bubba.  But the final decision was made on Thursday morning for her to leave that night.  Thank GOD, He knew that just wasnt going to be best.  Thursday at school she had the first seizure we have seen.  It was a "staring" seizure, or an absence seizure, and last until the EMT gave her some meds in an IV.  (Yea, they called the ambulance, and me and Dee Dee got our first ever ride in once!!!).  We spent most of the afternoon/evening in the ER, so the county said with all that, she can stay until tomorrow.  So we got to tell the girls last night.
Madi is a very happy, chipper, alLllllllllways "up" child.  She doesnt like to show emotions, except anger, and usually cant name her emotions.  Well, last night, a dam broke lose in her soul and she SOBBED and cried for a LONG time, for the first time EVER.  She could hardly speak last night and this morning after it.  She was simply devasted that she was losing yet another sister.
Dee Dee also cried and said she didnt want to go.  She was scared and said she would miss us a lot.  But we had a very nice talk and helped her to feel ok about it.
We are VERY sad that Dee will not be staying in this school too... her teachers and staff have been AMAZING to both girls.  Today, we took Dee into school to say goodbye to everyone, and they reallllly showered her with love!!!  Her teacher is one of the most amazing women I have ever seen.  She loaded Dee up with books, erasers and stickers, and gave her a nice clifford dog.  She also gave alex a clifford, and madi a clifford book.  Since Dee Dee loves pretzels and wants them everyday at school for snack, she gave a GIANT bag of pretzels too!!!!  Then, she did something so above and beyond, it truly made Mike and I speechless.  She wrote us a $200 check to buy Dee and the other two some things.  Amazing woman.  Truly!!!  She said she wanted to go buy Dee new sneakers, becuase Dee HATES the sneaker we bought her... they are too bulky for her and she got very angry at them when she tripped, but her teacher didnt have time, since it was kind of sudden!  There were so many people who came to the office to shower her with love.  If I had a medal for best school ever... it would go to this one. 
So shes not with us.  And it realllllly hurts.  But God is in control.  He's got this.  So, with a bit of a heavy heart, I said goodbye to a kid who has potential to do great and big things, knowing that God loves her more than I ever, ever could!!

How powerful is your worship?

Tonight, at bible school, I was super challanged by Lamar Boschman's teaching on worship.  He was teaching on how to be a rue worshipper.  Not just someone who worships during a church service only, but someone who worships through it ALLLLL.
I havent been that.  I think I used to be.  I used to be the girl who praise God through it all.  And Mike and I have been through it all.  Deaths of relatives, deaths of our unborn children, loss of jobs, major illnesses, loss of friends, just LOSS.  A lot.  And through all of that, I praised God.
When did I stop doing that on a regular basis!??!
Where did I turn away from thanking Him for everything!??!

Tonight, I made a decision to be that girl again... but better.   I had to repent to the Lord!  Ive been walking around, and when people ask me how I am, I have been like "eh. ive been better" or something not so positive.  And no, Im not doing ok.  Yes, I am scared, yes, I am worried and stressed and sad, and mad, and confused, and a whole bunch more.  BUT, the Lord is my strength, my rock, my shelter.  He is my joy and if I were to tap into that joy, I could honestly answer people with something positive and be a light.  I havent been a light this week.  I thought about today, when Madi's therapist asked how I was, I could have shone brightly and told her that, this situation is bad, but we are beleiving that Jesus is gonna work it out and we are just knowing God is in control.  But I didnt.  And the same thing when I dropped Madi off at school, her principal asked how I was.  I missed two GREAT opportunities to show Jesus!!

But thank you FATHER, thank you, that you will let me have other opportunities.  And Please please Father, allow me to be more positive.  Give me the strength to praise you!!

Here is some steps to take to become a consistant worshipper:
1. Make a DECISION to praise Him, whether you feel like it or not.  Becuase worship needs to be an act of our WILL, not out emotions!!
2.  Give thanks everyday.  All day.  No matter what.  No food in the cupboards?  Praise Him.  No money? Praise Him.  No job?  Praise Him.  Just simply and wholeheartedly praise Him and be thankful for Him and to Him!!
3. BLESS the Lord at all times.  Through the stress and stuggles, the good and the bad, BLESS the LORD!!
4.  Praise Him in PRIVATE!!!  Psalm 149:5 says to worship Him in our beds.  This is that lifestyle thing... praise Him when NO ONE is listening.  Praise Him when your alone!!  It creates such an intamacy with the Lord and helps you to develop that never ending conversation with the Lord!
5.  Praise Him in PUBLIC!!  When someone asks you how you are, use your answer to praise Him!! Praise Him in song, or humming or just in thought as you are walking through the grocery store.  If every christian truly praised the Lord in public, imagine the impact we could have??

Im going to start doing these things.  I need to get back into this lifestyle of worship and praise Him through it all.  To bless Him through it all.  And to Thank Him through it all!!!

Lamar said that our worship is only as powerful as our lives.   If we have POWERFUL worship.. then that means we have a powerful life.  And a powerful chirstian life will change many many other peoples lives!

So, one question.....

How powerful is YOUR worship?

Update on our Situation

PRAISE GOD!!!
The update from my last post is that Madi's county was asking for Dee Dee's removal, but We convinced them to allow us to keep Dee Dee by changing the sleeping arrangements.
Madi and Dee Dee now have their own rooms, and Bubba is sleeping in MIke and I's room.  LOVELY.

Anyone have a 4 bedroom house we can live in!?!?

We are willing to do WHATEVER it takes to keep them.  This is a permanant placement... the stuff that happened this week prove that the younger kids bio parents abused them, and when abuse happens, it means they will never go back to the abusers.

These are OUR children now.  God has blessed us with them and we are determined to not only keep them, but keep them safe!!!

Thanks for the prayers... we still need them!!!!!

Calling EVERYONE to PRAY!!!!

I can not and will not go into details, but basically, Bubba and Dee Dee may be removed from our home due to an incident that happened between the girls that Mike and I did EVERYTHING in our power to avoid.

If the county decides that Dee Dee needs to go, she will.  There is almost nothing we can do about it.  We love these 2 sooooo much and feel that they are our children as much as Madi!! They have bonded with us and attached to us in a very deep and real way.  We also beleive that we may be the best possible people for Dee Dee and we could be the people God has to help her become the woman she was meant to be!

And Bubba... I honestly can not IMAGINE losing him now.  He is our SON.  Mike and I both sincerely would be broken if he left... Dee Dee too.  But with Bubba... we are with him all the time.  We spend all day with him.  He is my helper, always by my side in the kitchen.  He is Mike's monkey. 

Dee Dee us our little jokester!  Once she learns a joke, she really enjoys re-telling it. She loves to laugh now, and shes learning to love Jesus.
Lil Man says Amen after every prayer now.  He loves to dance to worship music and says JiJi for Jesus.

They BOTH have come so far and I can not imagine life with out them.  SO please please please please pray!!  Please... Not only would MIke and I be devastated, I think Madi would be too.
Thank you all in advance!!!

Dee Dee's Meds

About a month ago, we took Dee Dee off her Adderall and since then we have seen a huge imporvement in her.  She is no longer "comatose" for most of her day.  She is chattering, and happy, and giggly, and is making jokes and just generally acting more like a 6 yr old.
But, she has also been acting out more, stealing more, and not listening!!  So we started on Respiridril (yeah, ok, cant spell that!!) and im seeing some of her negative behaviors lessen, which is good.... but we are still seeing a lot of the defiant behaviors.  So... I guess we havent found the right med yet, but this one is TONS better than the Adderall.

Question... what can cause shaking in kids, and a "jerking" motion at random times?  She is on clonidine, and depakote, as well as the respiridril.  When I called the doctor, he said none of those should be causing a lot of jerking, and we would have to wait until our appt on the 18th to talk about what it could be.  So, in the meantime, Im trying to figure out what else, besides meds, can cause it.  Its happeneing a lot.  Sometimes, I have identified that it happens when she is getting in trouble, or is caught doing something wrong, and sometimes, nothing is happening, its calm and peaceful and she shakes.  To clarify, these are not seizure shakes... just a jerking of her hands or a small jerk of her body.  Its like when you get a chill or something.

Id love some advice, or any experiences you have had with this!!
Thanks! :o)

Big Changes On the Horizon

Happy Decemeber!!
Wow....30 more days and we are done with 09.... wow!!!!
I have this crazy feeling 2010 is going to bring some changes to our family.  I already know of a big one... but I cant share it yet! :o)

I also cant wait until Christmas.  We will be spending Christmas Eve with my family in a cabin at a local lake... my mom aunts said they are going to go "wild" and decorate the inside and outside of the cabin!! The kids will love it!  The Christmas day with Mikes fam.
We are hoping that our extended family from Erie (Mike's side) can make it down here with their new lil baby boy.  They are such a fun and Godly couple, and we really enjoy spending time with them... and there other 2 kids are sooo cute and fun, and Madi loves them.  Cant wait for Dee Dee and Bubba to meet them too! :o)
AND, my sister-in-law is due in the next 2 weeks with a baby boy... and we seriously cant wait to meet him!  Good stuff!
God is good to us.  He has blessed us with an absolutly amazing family and this great future, and this great ministry of the redemption of kids.  Yeah.  God Rocks! :o)
As we count down to Christmas, and on to the New Year, my mind cant help but start to get consumed by the presents I need to buy, wrap, and give.  The boxes that need put away or moved to the basement, the hall closet that needs cleaned out so when people come, they have places for their coats, the food I need to cook, the sweets that need baked, the cards that need sent, and the family pictures that need taken.  And as I sat down last night to make my month of December to do list, I just stopped and realized that on my list, i included nothing about the real meaning of this season!!
So this morning, after a lot of thought and prayer, I added a few extras to my list.
1. Find a daily game/activity to do with the kids as a countdown to Christmas that tells the story of Jesus.  (Dee Dee and Bubba dont have a lot of experience with Jesus and Dee Dee doesnt know the Xmas story!)
2. Go Caroling (this may not happen, but I'd LOOOVE to do this and I think that the kids would love this!)
3. Make a BIG meal and take it to a local Childrens Home/Residental Treatment Facillity for some foster kids... and give those kids some love!
4. Teach the kids a really lovely Christmas song to sing for the family at Christmas Eve.  The girls both love music so much, I think this would be so cute for them!
5. Take a bath.  Just one.  Just for me.  No hurried shower that day.... just a nice relaxing bath!!
6.  Read the kids lots and lots of stories.
7.  Have the kids HELP me bake....trying to find ways to spend time with them while I get all this stuff done!
8.  The girls are going to help us wrap Alex's presents! :o)
9.  Spend and extra bit of time everyday praying.  I need to keep Jesus front and center and not let my time with Him fall on the back burner becuase my list is huge!!
10. ENJOY THE SEASON!!!!  This is such a GREAT time of year!!  The lights, the presents (i love presents), the family time, the MEANING of the season, the Joy, the Peace, and the Love.... they all should be celebrated and enjoyed.  Especially the meaning!  SO I plan on enjoying this season to its fullest! 

Christmas with 3 kids... that will be such a new and wonderful thing... I cant wait for the insanity! lol!! :o)

The joys of living in a huge community of townhomes...

NOSY NEIGHBORS!

Seriously.  People love drama and seem to look for it.  To really go outta their ways to look for it.
Im trying to just pray for them, but really... I want to strangle them.

Oh, and world.... until you have had a foster kid or two with some pretty serious issues, and a very willful, stubborn, pigheaded personality, dont judge.  Seriously.  Dont. Judge.

I need some Jesus. Pray for us!!

Thanksgiving 09

Yay... yesterday was a lot of fun!  Mike had to work... sadface... but the extra money is much appreciated, and he got off at 3, so we still got to eat with him!
My aunt Barbie picked the kids and I up at 1130 and we went to my moms house to play until dinner was ready at 3.  The kids made turkey hands and we stuck them up on the window

(Sorry about Dee Dee's blurry face... since her and Bubba's parents are still part of their lives, we have to keep them private... but since Madi could be adopted within the next 20 days, Im bending the rules and putting her pics up! :O)

The girls also got to play with the new play dough kits my mom got them... they are so neat!!  One of them made cupcakes and cakes and stuff, and the other ice cream treats!  

We also took a few pics of the kids in their cute outfits, but obviously I cant post them here.  SADFACE!  :o)

The food was amazing.  I LOVE new food and exotic tastes and using tons of different seasonings, but there is something so good and comforting about a traditional home cooked Thanksgiving dinner!!  The turkey, the stuffing, corn and my Aunt Barb's awesome mashed potatoes. No fluff...just potatoes milk and a CRAP TON of butter.. haha!  Paula Deen would lover her potatoes!! And the kids... holy cow did they eat!  Dee Dee had a plate fuller than mine, and seconds on the potatoes, corn and filling.  Man, she ate soooo much.  And Alex had 2 and a half bowls of potatoes, corn and turkey mixed together.  Madi didnt do so well... but she was having some serious issues with not have all the adult attention on her.  Oh well.

After the wonderful meal and delcious pies for dessert, we adults played a couple games of my fav, 500 bid!! Love that game.  Alex and Mike played with this cool wooden farm set that my mom found for him.  Oh, and watched football. :o)

(Playing blocks with Daddy!)

It was a truly wonderful day, and makes me feel even more thankful than ever before!  Cant wait until Sunday... we are spending the day wtih Mike's family and having a baby shower for his brother and sister in law.  Gotta love a monkey-themed shower for a lil boy.  And I'm in charge of decorating... hehe! LOVE IT!

The Next Step

I talked to the county caseworker last night about Dee Dee and the abuse.  He said we cant file anothernumber against them with Childline right now becuase the last one was unfounded and she even spoke with an expert in child abuse victims.
So, we are now journaling and charting everything she says and every time she acts out and we find out its related to this.  Then, eventually, if we have compiled enough evidence, we will call it in again and hopefully she will be comfortable enough with us to talk to the specialist again and actually be able to tell them what happened.
Please just keep praying for peace for this little girl in the midst of the storm.  And the knowledge that she is SAFE with us!!

Boogey Men Are Real

My facebook status today:

when your child's bogeyman is a person in their lives.... and they still have to see them... nothing you say or do can make it ok. Man... my heart is aching. This is one of those times when beng a foster parent sucks. I cant protect my child becuase she isnt mine legally. Pray for our kids today... please!?

 

One of our foster kids told us this weekend that someone in their life that they are legally made to visit with has s*xually abused them in the past.  Tonight they have a visit with this person.  I got my first ever phone call from the school asking me to pick this child up!! I had just put Bubba down for a much needed nap and the (amazingly wonderful awesome) principal said it is ok, they put her in learning support with a one on one aide for the rest of the day.  Apparantly she bit 3 students, hit a few teachers, and was hysterically crying at one point, and just generally unhappy and crying for the rest of the day.  I asked her to be put on the phone and I began to ask her if she was angry and she said yes, but couldnt identify why.  I asked her if she was sad and she said yes, but again, couldnt identify why.  I asked her if she was scared and she said yes... and I asked why, and she said "I dont want to go to jail".  And then gave the phone to her principal and started jibber jabbering about random stuff... she is the BEST at changing the subject.  Shes scared of going to jail becuase she told me she was abused.  When she told me about the abuse, she said she didnt want to go to jail.  She thought I would send her to jail.  Or her abuser would.  And now tonight, she has to go face her abuser.  No wonder she is scared.  No wonder she is freaking out.
And I cant do a freakin thing!!  Jesus help me!  Jesus take the wheel here cuase Im feeling totally helpless.  Pray for these 2 beautful lil beings who need healing and peace and a SAFE LIFE!!  I feel like my hands are tied behind my back and Im strapped to a wall while my kid is forced to go play with the boogey man.  TO hug the boogey man. 
So pray for her mind.  Pray for her peace and her safety.  And pray that Jesus just wraps His loving Daddy arms around them both.

Kid-Free

We are KID-FREE!!  (and feeling slightly guilty).

We have had Madi for 1 year 3 months and 7 days.  During that time, we have never put her on respite.  We did go away for a weekend 2 times and left her with my mom and on a week long missions trip.   She also spent a week at a special foster kids overnight camp (Royal Family Kids Camp-amazing!!).  But we never left her with another family.  And this weekend, after a week that left both Mike and I, drained, defeated, and stressed, we felt the need for the first time to send all 3 kids away.  So we did.  Madi and Bubba went to a family that we have never met (scary... seriously).  And Dee Dee went to a family right up the road that has had Dee Dee for a few hours a couple of times.  Two of thier kids ride the same bus as the girls, so we feel comfortable with them.  Their house is totally CRAZY, but Dee Dee seems to do fine with it.

So since about 1pm today, I have been childless and its weird.  Nice... but weird.  It was necessary too... I got to relax and destress and nap today for the first time in a long time.  Mike and I are relaxing and watching TV and not worrying about children waking up or not falling asleep, or who is touching who, or who is telling on who.  Or who is hitting who.  And thats the easy part of our jobs lately.  We are dealing with  Dee's admission of abuse by her parents, endless appts to determine what exactly is going on with her, the changing of meds, the serious change in mood and behavior becuase of all the med switches, AND she has decided to not sleep.  Seriously.

On top of that... Madi has been acting out a LOT lately.  We had an evaul for her and the doc says she thinks its a delayed adjustment disorder and stress over the adoption.  So we are starting family based counseling with her soon.  IN the meantime... lots of timeouts, lots of stress, lots of crying, and lots of screaming (on her part... mostly.)  And we had court an hour and half away for Madi this week too.

Plus, regular cousneling for both girls, Early Intervention services for Bubba, parental visits for Bubba and Dee, physicals, WIC appts, dentals, and paperwork.  Lots n lots of paperwork. 
On thursday alone, we had 5 apppts.  And without my mom, we wouldnt have made one of them... an EEG for Dee Dee over an hour away. 

Needless to say... Im feeling so overwhelmed.  I knew that having 3 kids would be hard work, but all of this at one time... yeah, I wasnt prepared for it. 

Thank the Lord for my mom.   I know this summer we had a lot of issues, but my mom seems to have balanced out and we have mended broken bridges.  My mother in law even helped with facilitaing all the stuff we had this week.  Its a family affair!! We need the village to raise this bunch! haha! :o)  My mom even brings ME coffee when she comes to help with the kids.  Thats love! :o)

I say all this... and re-read it and pray it doesnt come across as complaining.  I am so thankful that I have a chance to have these kids.  To be momma to 3 very special wonderful (if not a little crazy) kids.  Im so happy to see them grow and learn about God and learn about themselves.  I honestly wouldnt trade this life for any other.

All that said,  we needed a break.  I think I learned this week that I am not invincible.  I am not Super Mom alone.  It is God ahead of me, my husband beside me, and mu family behind me making me Super mom.  So I need to learn to ask for help... thus... the resipte for the 3 kids! :o)

Thanksgiving is just one day...

but should it be?  Shouldnt thanksgiving be a year long thing?  A Life-Long thing? 
On facebook, someone posted a status that basically challeneged those reading it to post what they are thankful for every day the whole month of November.  Ive been doing it for about a week and half and its opened my eyes.  Becuase after about 10 things, the "obvious" things have been used up... family, friends, jobs, dog, God, etc.  Ive had to start searching.  Becuase, yea, I could say my house, my tv, the material, but I let that be one day, I spent one day being thankful for all the "material things".  So now Im digging deep.  Its an eye-opening excercise... one thats making me realize that I have years worth of facebook status' in the ways I am thankful to God!!  :o)

On another note... beleive with us that by Wednesday somehow, miraculously, we would have the money we need to complete the next step in Madi's adoption.  Its not much at all, but we are broke and we just need God to show up!!  (Long story.. but we should have had the money, but were not paid on time for a job we did... so we are just praying God can come through!!)

Groceries

I never really understood why giving someone the gift of groceries was such a blessing.
Sure... free food when your struggling is a wonderful thing, but it goes much much deeper than that!
The gift of groceries is so much more than free food.
Instead, its the solid feeling and knowledge that for another week, you have food to feed your family.  That no matter what car breaks, no matter how much gas prices rise, no matter what unexpected thing comes up... you can fill your babies bellies.
Its the knowledge that someone loves you.  Someone cares about you.  Someone is concerned with your babies belly.  Someone other than you.  Someone if thinking about you... of you.
Its the soul-satisying way the Lord shows you HE is thinking of you!  He cares about you... cares about your children... your husband.  Cares so much He chose to use someone else to show you.  He also is chosing to bless someone else by having them bless you!  Its cool to see God blessing others. 
Yeah, its humbling.  Being on the recieveing end.  I know.  But the Lord is really showing me that He wants to use us in a lot of ways... and right now, others blessing us is His way of using us!  Its a little bit of a weird thing for me.  Becuase my heart is to help others... always.  I wish I had millions to give away... wishing I could bless others with groceries is a daily prayer of mine.  I wish we had the money to sponsor hundreds of orphans, and could bless hundreds of families by paying for their adoption fees. 
Ahh... I digress.
Back to groceries.  Its a blessing in so many ways.  I cant wait until the day when we can bless others.  In the meantime, I'm trying to stay humble in this and accept with a smile.  And pray for those that bless us.

Testing...

Today, I decided to take Dee Dee off of her adderall.  The counselor she sees said it would be fine and if we needed doc approval, we could get it.  (I actually got a hold of her this morning!) Admittedly... Im kinda regretting it.  Yea, she is MUCH more "with it"... but she is sooo defiant so far!! Its so hard to deal with!! She has had like 6 or 7 timeouts... and 2 in the "chair".   In our house, if you can sit by yourself, you can sit in the corner of the living room, facing the wall, but if you cant manage to stay in timeout, you sit in a kitchen chair, with a booster seat on it, buckled in facing a wall. 
Soooo... it shows me she needs a med.  But not adderall.  And I'm thanking Jesus for the docs who are willing to listen to this foster momma.  For a little girl with some light in her eyes, and the patience I know He will give me!!

So many things to post.....

So little time or energy to post them!! :o)

So thats what Im going to post about today!  My total lack of energy lately!  Its 11:20 and Im still awake, but barely.  Im just not sure whats going on, but Ive been trying to beef up my vitamin intake (through juices and stuff.. I dont take vitamin pills... but thats another post!!) and sleep when I can, but I cant seem to get enough.. and its really only been the past week, maybe a week and a half.  Im not sure whats going on, and right now, I cant afford my copay to see a doc... but if this persists for another week or so, I will have to bite the bullet and go.  Ugh!
But we have been having a lot of family fun!  Tonight after we got done eating dinner, (an actual uneventuful dinner for once.. wow!) we got jammies on and we were preparing to go downstairs and watch a family movie.  Well this tired momma went into my room and put my pjs on and my bed was sooo tempting that i decided to play hide and go seek.  I decided to hide first... but I was the only one who knew we were playing! HAHA!  I got about 10 mins in my bed, under the covers, in silence, before the kids discovered I was missing.  Mostly becuase DADDY was like, Fuzzy... Fuzzy... Dana?  And then the kids took up the chant... momma, where are you?  The Alex comes over... he  knew where i was the whole time, and peeked under my covers... so I said "shh, momma's hiding".  Well, he thought it was great so went running to tell everyone he found me... cept no one else understands much of what he says!!  Ha!  He was saying "momma hiding bed" but only thing they all understand was momma!  loL!! LOVE IT!! Eventually Mike got up from the floor in the girls room and came over and found me.  Then all of a sudden I was surrounded by LITTLE PEOPLE (and a lil dog).  So my peace was over.  So we all ended up in our bed watching Despereux.  Cute movie... we watched abotu half of it... cant wait to watch the rest.  Even Alex was on the bed watching the movie and reading books!!  It was soo cute and peaceful!!
The other night, we also had a family dance!! Put on some Isreal Houghton and danced to some of the faster songs... it was nice to see Dee Dee participating!!  She has so far been resistant to any dancing we do. (yea, we probably look pretty goofy doing it too!)  But she was dancing and giggling and it was so nice.  Bubba is a dancer!!  Anytime music comes on the tv or a fast song is on in the car he dances!  He isnt into to TV much, but sometimes when Im cleaning or making dinner I put on PBS Kids Sprout, and he wont watch it, but as soon as the theme songs come on, he is right there dancing and clapping.  He even lifts his lil hands to worship like he sees us and other people at church do! :o)
Tomorrow, while Bubba naps, Im going to try baking with the girls.  Madi is usually the one that helps me, but we are going to have Dee Dee help too! Hopefully we can get through it with as little jealousy as possible! ;o)
heres to hoping the kids sleep in tomorrow... Please Lord!! :o)

The "MED" Fight

Dee Dee is one a couple of different meds.  Now, we dont beleive her blanked out behavior is solely caused by meds, (see tuesday's posted below) but yesterday I got a glimpse of the fact that the meds may be contibuting to it.
The kid had one adderall left yesterday morning and after I dropped her off at school and Madi was done with her counseling appt, I planned on stopping at the doc office and picking up the script and running to the pharmacy.  Well, the lovely child decided to spit it out alllll over the table.  The last one.  I was freaking out.  But, then I thought, well, oh well.  What can I do now.  She needs to get to school and I need to get Madi to counseling.  So she went to school without her adderall.  And her teacher reported to me that she listened a little better yesterday... and was able to sit in her seat much better... and focus better!  What the crap!?!?  The adderall is supposed to make her focus and able to listen better and sit in her seat better, and off of it, she did those things better.
Now... thats not to say the unmedicated Dee Dee was perfect, the defiance increased a bit... and was even worse this morning, but defiance seems a small price to pay for her being able to be a REAL kid!!  She was laughing yesterday and ENGAGING with us!! She even danced in the living room with all of us!  She has told us many times that she doesnt DANCE... and she was having so much fun last night!! :o)
I dont now what to do... I dont want to wait until her next med check with a man who will give us 5 mins and not really listen to what we have to say... so I praying about the next step and Im going to talk to her caseworker.

Dee Dee's Day

So today was Dee Dee's appt day... she had 4.  So  the first one was at 10:30... and lasted until 2.  Thus, missing the other 3.  Erg.  Oops!
We had the honor of meeting with a woman who is a S*xual Abuse Specialist... well, I dont think thats her actual title, but thats pretty much what she does! lol! 
At the end of this ridiculously long meeting, her basic opinion was this child is not normal.  Her affected behaviors, and "blankness", and "zoning out" are not normal.  These things are NOT the result of trauma alone, or her add, adhd, or odd (oppositional defiance disorder) or any of the meds.  This specialist said "I am NOT a psychologist so i cannot diagnosis this child, but I have seen over 6000 kids and have never seen a child act this way".  She pretty much confirmed Mike and I's suspisions and our caseworkers as well.  She is going through life blank and missing life and its not ok.  So we are going to be searching for a Pediatric Neuro-Psychologist.  And I want her to see the best... even if we have to drive to Philly, Hershey, Pittsburg or beyond.  She also did say becuase of Dee Dee's complete lack of engaging, she is unable to tell if there was s*xual abuse, and even if there was, Dee could NEVER be a credible witness.  Thats a little disheartening.  IF (big IF) she was abused that way, I want her to be able to be her voice in this and for her to be able to know she did everything she could have done to make sure no one else is abused.  The other person that was possibly abused was only 3, so she wouldnt be much of a witness either.
I say if becuase I havent seen any acting out, although the other foster family did.  So I dont want to put an accusastion on someone if it isnt true and if I dont have any solid proof.   I am also kinda waiting for that check in my spirit to say, thats it... thats how I will know.  I got that with Madi a LONG time ago, when she first came to us.  But I believe, even if she was abused, thats the least of her problems!!  I am so excited to find out what is truly going on and how best to help her.  I want the eureka moment from the doctors that tell us how to reach this little girl!  I know it will happen... I know there is a person to reach.  I truly believe she has the potential to NOT be labeled mentally retarded... or having a low IQ.  I think there is simply a wall up.  I want to learn why the wall is there... how it got there... and how to knock it down to release God's little princess inside. 
So, now starts this Momma's Quest to "find" our little girl in there.  I know we can.  I beleive the Lord brought her here to find her! 

Anyone know of a leading Pediatric Nuero-Psychologist on the East Coast?? loL!

"My" Kids

I just thought I'd take a moment to update the blog with how the kids are doing!

Madi is not doing so well.  She is back to being super super jealous and selfish.  Its soooo tough to see, because she is such a sweet lovely girl, and right now she is just generally being mean!!  This is my beautiful, loving, big-hearted, hyper girl, and the only part of that she is living up to right now is hyper.  It makes me sad to see her lke this becuase I know its becuase these new siblings that she prayed so long for arent what she expected.  She expected a sister to play with and talk with and go outside and play with, but unfortunatly, Dee Dee isnt like that.  Dee Dee's conversational skills are very limited and she mostly just answers yes to everything she is asked and tends to lie about stuff too.  Madi tries to talk to her, but its very one-sided.  She is having a hard time sharing toys, even toys that arent hers.  She is having a hard time sharing people too.  Last night she through one prolonged "fit" from about 6 until 9:30. (She waseven put to bed at 7...) becuase she didnt want to share my mom, Mimi.  It was soo stressful to the other kids.  We really need to figure out a way to help her with all of this, but Mike and I are just at our wits end.  Any suggestions?  Every thursday night while the other 2 have visits with birth mom, we take Madi out to eat and spend an hour with just her.  I would love to make it more time... but thats tough!! :o)  Madi is doing very well in school and is hardly ever getting into trouble!! YAY!!  She is making friends and learning stuff, and remember stuff from last year.  She is reading soooo well!!  I love that... she seriously has devolped some awesome reading skills!  And she is able to work on homework alone!  Its so cool.
Dee Dee is making progress.  We are working on lying and stealing and hoarding things.  She is receiving counseling, physchiatry, learning support, and will be getting 25 hours of TSS time in school and 5 in the home, and other mobil therapies starting in the next 2 weeks.  The mobile therapies may include Occupational therapy and possibly physical therapy.  Whew.  This poor kid needs all of it.... and maybe even more!!  We are still learning about her and all she needs.  On the school front, they have decided to keep her in 1st grade, in learning support for the morning and then put her in an afternoon kindergarten program.  Yes, she "passed" kindergarten, but she did not master it... and has almost no skills she should have learned there.  So she will be in both, which i think is great!  In the morning, she will get a lot of hands on, one on one teaching and will really focus on 123's and ABC's and shapes and other things and then the afternoon will be fun kindergarten time!  She has really bonded to Mike... but is working on the bond with me.  Visits with mom really mess her up with me tho.  Afterwards, she just refuses to listen to me.  Sigh.  But the agency we work with has decided to bump up her status with us and that will enable us to get her more services if she needs it (yay!), but it will require a little more paperwork (boo!)!!  But, if more paperwork means more help for her, Ill do it. 
Bubba is my little man!  Oh my!! I love this boy so much.  We have bonded a lot... mostly becuase he is home here with me all day.  He has an Early Intervention appointment coming up soon, becuase his speech is a little behind and he is super clumsy and has not mastered the steps yet.  But, he is talking... its just very very hard to understand.  But he has words that I can understand and he said banana super clearly yesterday!!  YAY! :o)  Im confident he will be speaking clearly soon and he will prove he is smart!! He is also my little cuddle bug.  After a nap or in the morning when he gets up, if we have time, we lay down in my bed and cuddle for a while, and then I will turn the tv on and he will lay with me and watch tv for a while.  Its sooooo nice.  He loves Mike too... he gets very excited and happy when Daddy gets home and always runs to him and gives him hugs... its super cute. 
My kids.  Its so nice to be a family of 5.  It makes us feel so much more complete.... although we know we arent complete... we are just closer to it!! 

Prayers Needed

Im asking our blog friends to pray for us.  I can't go into details, but it involves the church we are the worship leaders for. 

We need wisdom and direction and the ability to think before we speak and act and to always be a Christ-like as possible.

Im angry and hurt and thats not always possible, but I want to do this the Jesus way!!

Thanks!

National Adoption Month!

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH!! 
Yay... this is a good month!  This is a month to celebrate all the amazing little ones out there who have found a forever family... this is a month to hope for thousands and millions more to find theirs too!  Its also a month to tell as many people as possible about how they can help an orphan!!

In the US today, there are many many many children in foster care.  They are today's orphans! 
I have some statistics... I know they are old... from 05, but I think we can at least get a picture about the state of our orphans from them!
*513,000 children were in the U.S. foster care system on September 30, 2005. Most children are placed temporarily in foster care due to parental abuse or neglect.
*Average Age: 10.0 years  6% < 1 year
  26% 1-5 years
  20% 6-10 years
  28% 11-15 years
  18% 16-18 years
  2% >19 years
*Male 52%
  Female 48%
*In 2005, 60% of adopted children were adopted by their foster parent(s). The "foster parent" category excludes anyone identified as a relative of the child. 25% of children adopted in FY 2005 were adopted by a relative. A "relative" includes a step-parent or other relative of the child.
 To read more foster care statistics, click HERE

What does that mean for the average Joe "Church-going" Schmo and Jane "Bible-Carrying" Doe?  (Yea, that would be most of you... lol.. sorry, i was trying to be funny!! :o) 
It can mean a millllllllion things!!  It can mean God is calling YOU to foster care or adoption, or both.  It can mean God is calling you to help a foster family with money, gifts, babysitting (always needed, i promise!!), prayer or even meals!  It can mean that God is calling you to be a CASA worker (go HERE to learn more about CASA... its an awesome program and an awesome way to volunteer). 
I beleive wholeheartedly, that God is calling us ALL to help orphans in some way.  Orphans exsist in every country, every state, every city.  There are even orphans with parents!  I believe an orphan is any child that doesnt have a parent in any way.  Missing a mom, or a dad, an emotionally unavailable parent, kids in foster care, kids whose parents are in jail, the parents are dead, or have abandon the kids.  Orphans are everywhere and God is calling us to help them!!
I know that not everyone is called to adopt or foster, but everyone is called to help orphans...
James 1:27 tells us that religion which is pure in God's eyes is this: Helping the Orphans and the Widows.  Lets all take the opportunity to practice pure religion this month... National Adoption Month, by helping an orphan in some way!!!!!
If you need help thinking of ways to help orphans, let me know!  I have tons of ideas... some of which my family is going to use.  Even though we are helping orphans, we have decided to do more this month!! :o)

Happy Halloween!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I just got really excited by being able to wish you a Happy Halloween.  Now, dont think Ive lost my mind and gone to the dark side!!

Listen to this....

JESUS died and rose from the grave,

therefore conquering the grave.

HE has VICTORY over the Grave,

VICTORY over sin,

VICTORY over death,

Satan,

ghosts,

goblins,

and any scary stuff that the enemy tries to use!!

JESUS WON!!  He defeated DEATH! 
So, today Im teaching my kids to rejoice in Jesus and rejoice in His Victory!!

Lets use this day that the enemy has deemed "His Day" and stick it to him!

Proclaim LOUDLY that Jesus WON!

Satan is DEFEATED!!
HALLELUJAH! :o)
Lets make today abotu Jesus and His triumphant rise from the grave... lets make Halloween a Jesus-filled day!

So Happy Halloween.. in Jesus Name!

Halloween!?

This blog was inspired in part by this blog: Halloween Blog and also by our struggle to find our place in this and our voice in this.

We have decided to let the kids go trick or treating.  But, we have explained to the older to that we arent going "trick or treating" we are going to show off our costumes and get some candy and bless others.  So I asked our oldest how we could bless others and she said to say Thank You and God Bless You when they get candy.  She also said that we should give out more candy than we get.   So we are putting a bucket of candy out on our porch.  We also decided to try to use our costumes to teach the kids something about the Lord.  Madi was dead set on beig a snow princess, so we decided to make the 3 (plus one more we are doing a respite for starting on Sat, i know we are nuts.) the 4 seasons!!  We are teaching them the concept of the seasons and what the look like, plus we talked to each of them about how awesome God is that he made such beautiful seasons and beautiful things in the seasons.
We also carved our pumpkins... well, Mike and Madi and I did,  Dee Dee and Bubba made there pumpkins into dogs with Mr. Potato Head peices... tooooo cute!  My pumpkin has Jesus' name into it with some flowers and vines... very pretty if I do say so myself... and I think its shining my light!! :o)  Madi decided to carve a palm tree a sun and an island into hers... becuase thats what she thought might be in heaven.. lol, thats definitly my kid, heaven as a tropical oasis!! Mike's has a monkey on one side and Hope on the other side.  They are proudly displayed on our front porch.  So our pumpkins arent scary and arnt there for any satanic reason, just as artwork!!  I personally LOVE to carve things!  I carved a watermelon once for a party.... I also carved shapes in a pineapple to make it into a lantern for a tropical themed baby shower!  Its fun!
Another thing we did was talk to our kids about halloween and the "bad stuff".  We decorated for fall, leaves, pumpkins, a wreath and gourds, but we dont use anything "scary".  No witches, bats, black cats, spiders or ghosts.  We explained that those things are bad becuase they are used as symbols of people who worship Satan.  Trust me, that was a LONG and difficult conversation, filled with LOTS of questions! lol!  But I think they understand.  We are worshipping Jesus every day, including this day.  We are dressing up and showing our costumes and getting some candy and blessing people in Jesus name!  We are not celebrating a pagan thing, but having fun at harvest time.

I think that we truly are doing that.  Hopefully.  Prayerfully. 

Dontcha JUST LOVE COFFEE!?!?

As Mike and I began to research fundraising options for Madison's adoption, a friend sent us a link to www.justlovecoffee.com, and after reading about this organization, we decided that we felt the Lord leading us to use this route. We loved the company, the idea behind it, and the fact that while raising money to fund our own adoption, we would also be raising money to help and orphanage in Ethiopia!!

Here is more info on the company, Just Love Coffee:
Rob Webb knows coffee. When Rob was two years old, his father started Webb's Coffee Service, which blossomed into a full-blown refreshment service supplying businesses in Nashville, TN and the surrounding areas, and is now run by Rob.

Rob Webb knows the adoption process. In the summer of 2008, Rob and his wife Emily were called to adopt from Ethiopia. After much prayer and discussion with their first two children they started their adoption journey in August 2008. During the flurry of paperwork and preparation, Rob & Emily read books not only on adoption in general, but specifically on Ethiopia. Learning that Ethiopia is the birthplace of coffee caught Rob's attention, and after reading about the living conditions and wages of the average coffee farmer, he was compelled to take action. What developed through his reading and his trip to Ethiopia to unite with his daughters was a realization that he could combine his expertise and longstanding desire to roast his own coffees with his desire to help others. Just Love Coffee Roasters was born! Roasting Fair Trade Specialty coffees, Just Love uses proceeds to help an Ethiopian orphanage and families adopting not just from Ethiopia, but from anywhere in the world.

We are so blessed to be adopting through foster care becuase the amount we have to raise is minimal compared to an international adoption, but there still are some fees that we need to take care of.

This is such an easy fundraisier, both for us and for you! Alll you have to do is go to Our Store, choose the coffee you want, purchase it and wait for it to be delivered!! Its sooo easy and the coffee is super good and super fresh!

Please feel free to pass this info on to all your friends and family. This would make an amazing Christmas present... great coffee AND helping orphans. James 1:27 at its finest!!!

Thanks in advance for your consideration in this! We are sooo blessed to have friends and family like all of you who are willing to help a great little girl get her biggest wish of being adoption!! I know I cant wait until Madison is truly ours... and I know that she cant wait to be a Matson!!
www.justlovecoffee.com/matsonfam

Day 4

Yea... its only day 4 of having Dee and Bubba... but it feels like day 100 or something!  I need a break and its only been 4 days! Oh my!
Dee has continued with her defiant behavior... especially with me.  She will listen to Mike fairly well, but not to me... although, as I sat and reflected on my day, I realized she actually is listening a little better for me.  She is stealing a lot of random things, like erasers, crumpled up peices of paper, trash, a roll of toilet paper, a roll of paper towels... yea.  Random.  She peed her pants today at dinner.  I wasnt forcing her to eat, I was just sitting with her while she finished... she hadnt said she wanted up or that she was full, she just takes forever to eat, so I was just sitting with her and chatting and when she got up, her butt was wet.  I dont know why.  She had even gone potty not to long before dinner.  I really have no clue what that was about!!
Bubba is doing well... he's a pretty pleasant kid... and I do enjoy being with him.  Until Dee comes home.  Then he feeds off of her bad behavior and gets a little more defiant... but nothing extreme. He has had some congestion and coughing and last night wasnt able to sleep hardly at all because of the coughing.  Tonight.. he is fast asleep and doing fine!! (Yay homemade cough syrup... warm lemondade and lotsa honey!) He had a flu shot on Friday and I wish that they hadnt, because he has had some runny diapers and now has diaper rash becuase of it... Ive been using some other cream, but got him Butt Paste today and I definitly see a difference already!  Thats my new diaper rash cream... it really started clearing it up already!!
Madi has been doing ok.... sigh.  She says having them here is "kinda good" but I can tell its hard for her.  Hard to share her parents, hard to share her things, hard to have someone following her, hard to not try to parent them, hard hard hard.  And last night, my mom watched the kids while Mike and I took our mid-term.  We are in bible school with International School of Ministry.  My mom is pretty good at handling kids and she said it was pure chaos and totally crazy and at one point Madi said its not fair that I have to share and I dont want them here.  Poor kid.  I know this is tough for her, but I think it will get better and then she will enjoy this more.  I think she had this picture of some great siblings that were well behaved, not abused and not neglected. 
We are really just praying through this... praying Dee can focus and listen, praying Bubba can bond and attach to us and learn what real love is and what real parenting is and that Madi can just accept this and learn from it and step up to the challenge!
We had a visit tonight and I we got to meet mom.. but more on that later!

Long Night= Tired Parents!

So... wow.  Dee Dee is a handful.  Oh, what the heck, Im not sugar-coating this... she is difficult!  She doesnt listen when she doesnt want to and no amount of prodding, threatening, or even rewarding can get her to do the thing she doesnt want to do!!  She seems to be immune to any type of parenting so far.  Yes, I know, its only been less than a day, but we had all afternoon and evening with her last night and then this morning.  In that short time we saw a lot of behaviors that suppprt what I just said!
This morning was tough becuase Madi was tired and when she is tired she is on a short fuse and can definitly lose her control quickly!!  So I had 2 kids on timeout before 8:30!  Oh and timeout... what a joke!  Dee Dee wont sit on a timeout for anything!  I ended up sitting her in the corner and then kneeling behind her and gently holding her to keep her in the corner and from looking around and calling the dog.  She really has NOOO desire to listen or to be good!  Anyone have any good timeout tips?  I dont want to have to use force, no matter how gentle the force happens to be!!!
I know its very early on, but I think we are going to have to take advantage of respite care for foster kids with her.  Now... before you judge, I have never ONCE put Madi on respite care and she has been with us for 1 yr and 2 months.  I really dont beleive that respites are the best thing for kids... but in this case, I think for all of us to remain a healthy family for Dee Dee, we will need for her to stay over night every once in a while with someone else!!  I know parenting is a 24 hour job... but OH MY!  God is great and His mercy is enough for me... so I know we can do this.  I know we can be good parents to her!  WITH HELP! 

Anyways... Bubba is a pretty good kid.  He wasnt able to sleep last night much and Mike ended up going into his room and laying in the spare bed with him just to keep him from crying.  As long as someone was laying with him, he laid there quietly, but Mike said bubba just laid there awake most of the night.  Im hoping that will equal some good nap time today, but no holding my breath.  His last foster family said he likes one of those fisher price fish tank toys that hang in the cribs.  He couldnt fall sleep without it at there home and would often wake in the middle of the night and the other foster mom would just turn it back on and he would go right back to sleep.  Of course... we dont have one.  And of course.... they didnt send it with him.  So he just couldnt fall asleep last night.  He also hardly are anything yesterday... so today he is sitting here at the table eating very noisily!! Its cute! lol! 

Today is my birthday.  But I dont think we really are going to celebrate it much.  We are pretty broke and with 2 extra mouths to feed, it seems we will just have a dinner at home.  The only part of that I dislike is the dinner at home part.. and thats only becuase I have to make it.  No one should have to make dinner on their birthdays!! (haha... that should be a national law!! :o)

Piano Time!

The girls playing the piano!  I dont have a pic of Bubba's back yet... but my wonderful hubby snagged this today of Madi and Dee Dee! :o)

How you can help!

This is a repost from my facebook page... thanks for all who have asked how to help.. .its such a blessing!! :o)

Im so blessed by the people I know!! (That would be you)

Since announcing we were getting two new kids, some of you have emailed and asked how you could help. Wow.. thanks for even asking! Rather than write the same things over and over, Im putting it in a note!

I talked to the principal and a caseworker and found out that these 2 kids are coming to us with only a few things that the current foster family bought them in the last few weeks. They dont have winter coats, or new shoes and only a few items of clothing. I wish I knew thier sizes, but the principal of the girl said she is TINY.. like the size of a 3 yr old. (So now, I have 2 tiny girls... they will fit well together!!)
We have TONS of stuffed animals and games and books, but I went through my toys and I dont really have any for a boy. At 2, I figure he would like trains, and dogs, and jungle stuff (We dont do guns or anything like that). Thankfully, at 6, the girl will have similar likes as Madi, and Madi has barbies and my little ponies and lots of movies!

We also need pillows... Madi has 2 and thats all the ones we have!! :o/
And Boys bedding... crib bedding and also something boyish or nuetral for the extra bed in his room.
I still could use some storage... like a small dresser or something.
Im sure he is still in diapers, so we could use some of those, lol!

As far as clothes... as soon as I know thier sizes, I will post them.
Obviously, money is tight and will be for the next month or so until we get them the things they need, but I could pay something for the things you have that we need.

Sorry this is so scattered... its hard to even think about what they will need without knowing what they have. I know its getting cold, but Madi looooves to ride her bike and scooter... so the kids could use things like that so they arent fighting over the bike and scooter.

And the most important thing... PRAYERS!!! Transitions are NEVER easy for these kids, or for the fams. It will take a lot of adjusting, and will be a long road to help the girl to succeed in school... @ 6 she cant count and doesnt know any letters yet. :o/

Anyways, if I tagged you... its just to get the word out and to pray! (Or I tagged you becuase you emailed me!)

Today is the Day for Good NEWS!

THANK YOU JESUS!!! More amazing news!! im seriously bursting at the seems!! So Thankful to you Lord for answering my prayers!!!

I got an email from Madi's caseworker... the thing that has been holding up her adopting is an appeal that the B.F. (birth father) filed in January.  It was an appeal of the goal change from reunification to adoption.  Since then his rights have been terminated, but the appeal still was floating in court-case-land.  TODAY, the appeal was DENIED!  BIG FAT DENIED!  PRAISE GOD!! lol!  Now, yes he could appeal the denial, but ive been told his lawyer typically will tell a parent at this point, I wont represent you, its not worth it!  SO this could be the end.  He has 30 days to appeal and then we can go ahead with the adoption!  OH MY!  It really could happen by Christmas!  Thats soooo cool.  I had really lost hope that it would happen even by spring... but God knows!  God is sooo cool!  Yaya!!  What a wonderful day! :o)

WOW!

YAY GOD!  After all my whining and moaning and praying about how I hate being home alone, God has decided to give us charge over two little ones!!  YAY!  A 6 yr old girl and a 2 yr old boy will come to live with us on Monday!  Im so excited... and wait until Miss Madi hears about this... she is going to be SOOO excited!  A sister AND a brother all at once!?!? She is going to be in heaven (until she realizes that she will have to share her precious daddy and mimi with them, lol!)

So... heres a little about them.... and I think that this is ALL God!
-The girl... we will call her a A and the boy B (for now)
  *Has ADD and ADHD and is on for meds for her conditions
  *Was possibly s*xually abused
  *Has acted out sexually
  *Is overly affectionate with men in particular
  *Is in 1st grade
  *And (best part) is in Madi's school already, so no changing of schools for this one (YAY, and Madi's school is amazing and Im so in love with this school and so glad that A will be able to go there too!)

-The boy, B
  *Is completely on track devolpmentally
  *Is a calm and well-behaved boy

SOOOOO.... I am requesting your prayers PLEASE!  We know that A will be in the same room as Madi and Madi was s*xually abused as well and we just want PURE Jesus in that room.  For there to be no acting out, and for the girls to just get a long and for all the appropriate behavior we have taught Madi to have an affect on A.  For some major healing for A and B... especially A.  They have been in care for one month and are already being moved to a new home.  So three homes in a little over a month can really mess a kid up.  We need WISDOM!  Especially for the add/adhd thing.  We beleive Madi has adhd and have avoided meds since she came to us, but we have just made the decision to put her on meds becuase we have tried all the diet things, so I will need to supreme patience and wisdom in dealing with these 2 and knowing what meds to keep A on.  It seems she is probably very drugged and I dont believe that is best for a kid.  Also pray for smooth transistions, APPROPRIATE bonding with us, and peace to reign in our home.

Feel free to pass this on... the more people praying the better... right!?!  :o) Thanks!
Oh... does anyone have any little boy bedding they could donate?  We only have girl stuff... and limited funds to purchase boy bedding!!!  We have both a crib and a bed in his room, so we can decide which would be best for him when he gets here and after talking to hs current family.  Thanks! :o)

Happy Birthday Daddy

Hottie Hubbie of the year:  

MY HUBBIE! :o) 

Happy Birthday to the love of my life, my soul mate, and bestest best friend!

While we were in the mountains with Mikes parents and Sister, Mikes mom and dad took us out to a nice resturant and suprised mike with some seriously bad waitress' singing and some yummy ice cream with a candle!  It was very nice and kind of low key and simple... like Mike.  We had a good laugh about it and shared the ice cream.  

This man is so good.  His heart is so big and I am SOOO blessed by him on a regular basis.  He followed my dream of being a worship leader and even stepped up to the plate to play drums, when all he really wants to do is stay back behind the sound board and make me sound good.  

Aww.. I really need to share this about him.  

We work at a small church (I mean SMALL... like 20 people small) and so the worship team consists of me and him.  And thats it.  Its uncomfortable for us, but totally God!  God has taught us SOO much and brought us SOO far in this place, its unreal!  He is soooo good to us!  But, the one thing we constantly say we need and want is a bass player.  I joke with him a lot that he should learn to play bass... I can play, but I cant play piano, sing and play bass at the same time, so I tell him to learn and Ill teach him!  But he always, always, says no.  And I know him... that would be sooooooo far out of his comfort zone and so not like him, I never really expected him to agree.  So tonight, he looked at me and said, what would you say if I said I want to learn to play bass.  I wanted to dance around and jump up and down, but (after picking my jaw up off the ground) I said I think it would be great and I love you.

He knows that its something I want.  Its something I wish he would do and beleive that he can do it well.  So hes doing it for me and for the Lord.  Everything we do, our goal is to do it for the Lord!!

Anyways... Im blessed.  My husband is a Godly man and an amazing father... what more can ya ask for?

Pictures!

I love photography, but since my girl is still a foster kid, I cant post pics of her!  Actually Im not supposed to post anything about her using her name... but since Madi isnt her birth name... I can post about her that way.  Madison will be her adopted name... she chose it and it means Brave.  Love that!!

Anyways... This past weekend we went to the mounatins with my wonderful hubbies family... his parents and sister.  I took TONS of gorgeous pics of Madi... my goodness she is getting so pretty, and she wants to be a model (uggghhh!), but I cant post them.  But then I remember that I just cant show her face, and, thanks to Pap Pap, I have a couple of pics of her back and she and Pap Pap tooks walks away from us!

And I even got one of Aunt Shell and Madi.

Yaya for being able to post pics of my girl!!  Someday I cant wait to show you her face in this very public blog!  (I know I post pics on facebook, but my albums are all limited in who can view them). 

Good, Bad, and the Ugly!

Last night, I stayed up until about 3:30 reading a blog written by a wonderful mom of 13... 3 of whom were adopted from Ghana.  Right now they are walking the very hard road of disruption (when an adopted kid has to be removed from his adoptive home and placed elsewhere, usually for the safety of the other siblings) and have shared this road on her blog.  Mike and I know that someday we will adopt internationally and it was so refreshing to read someones HONEST story of an international adoption.  So often the adoption community requires adoptive parents to stay hush hush about the "bad" side of life and then adoptive parents go into it blind and are blown away when a child comes home acting out verbally, physically, or even s*xually.  Yes, I said it.  Sometimes adopted kids have been abused s*xually and then continue the cycle by abusing someone else.  We as parents MUST know that this situations exsist in order to learn how to deal with it and help these poor kids to HEAL!  And as an adoptive parent that is my first goal, to help this child be a healed and whole person so they can live a full and rich life!!
All this got me thinking about the incident that happened to my blog back in the summer.  I know that it was simply Satan trying to silence my voice.  Trying to keep me from being honest about our journey through foster care.  Because I will always say that this isnt for everyone, its hard, and sometimes I wanna quit, but it is the MOST rewarding thing that my husband and I have ever done.  It is worth it. 
I really want people to know he good and bad sides about this.  I know a couple who went through years of infertility and decided to try foster-to-adopt, but didnt research it and didnt realize the problems kids can come with.  They accepted a family of 4 and within 2 weeks all four kids had to be placed elsewhere and the family left the foster care program for 2 years.  Why this placement failed had nothing to do with 4 kids being placed all at once, and everything to do with 3 of the 4 kids having severe attachtment issues and the parents having no idea that these issues even exsist.  This couple now has a sibling group of 3 with them and are successfully parenting them and one of them has RAD.  What changed was this couple started reading and learning and hearing the ugly side of adoption and foster care.  They became equipped and now are doing a wonderful job helping the eldest to overcome the attachment issues!
All this to say, Im prayfully thinking of exposing more of our story to help others out there.  To let the world know what it truly is like and to know that you can overcome these attachtment issues and you can make a difference in a kids life. 

Needing some prayers... and advice.

Our foster daughter... Madi, the one we are hoping will be adopted soon has been wetting her pants every day this week (during the day... not at night!).  She seems to just wait until the last minute and cant make it in time.  But she is 8.  I dont want to embarrass her by putting her back into pullups, but sitting in pee pants all day is very bad for a young girl!!  I read it can cause bladder infections and urinary tract infections, and thats really the last thing this girl needs right now! 
If it is emotional (which is a definite possibility) I cant seem to find the cause of it!  Usually I can point out a trigger for her emotional behaviors, but it seems that this was an ok week... no major or minor problems or setbacks or anything. 
We are leaving for the mountains tomorrow morning and I really dont want to take 12 pairs of pants and undies along for 2 days, but Im afraid I may have to!  Right now, she is on timeout for her episode this morning and Im making her go potty every 30 mins.  (Thats going over like a lead balloon).  Any other advice!?!  (Oh, we are pretty sure its not an infection... she had them before and has no symptoms... and isnt even going that often!).
Please pray for her.  If it is emotional then finding the cause of it so we can work on it is the best thing, but she cant express her emotions or doesnt want to, so its sooo hard to figure stuff out!

No New Baby...

The baby went to a family that the mom was a nurse.  And I guess thats the best family for a very sick little girl!!
It makes me sad definitly... but I figure that i did get a chance to pray for this little life for a few days, and thats worth it! 
I think my real frustrations lie in the adds you see all over that claim "We need more foster families".  If we need more.. then my home should be filled to capacity and I should be turning away kids!  Instead, I have 2 beds and 1 crib that are sitting empty and unused.  I have 6 chairs at the kitchen table and one high chair, and there is only 3 of us.  Where are all these kids that I KNOW need a home!?!? 
Ugh.  I feel so badly that there are kids out there just waiting to be adopted and here sits our empty home just waiting for kids to come and be our forever children!

New Baby? Maybe?

We will be waiting tomorrow for a call about a new baby girl.  We got the referral from our agency on friday and they sent our profile to the county for the worker to decide which family she feels is best for the baby.  We should know tomorrow sometime.  I dont know much about the baby, but I'll share what I do know.
She is between 3-6 mos old and currently in the hospital.  She was declared Medically Fragile and was diagnosed with Failure to Thrive.  This poor baby has severe acid reflux which causes her to vomit everytime she eats.  She also has to be awoken every 3 hrs to eat.  I know if we get this little baby it will be tough and a lot of work, but I want to do this.  I want to pray over this baby and work with her and help her succeed in this life!
Please just pray for us that if we are supposed to have this baby that the decision would be made in our favor!  Ive been praying for her all weekend and feel love for the fragile little life already!  Its hard not to!  Also, this is most likely a more permanant placement, which we need.  We have done a couple of respites since having Madi, and I think that its to hard on her and us to continue doing that.  Madi needs a sister... we really feel empty and its hard to see 6 chairs at the kitchen table... and only 3 full.  Its time to fill this house with kids that need our lovies!! :o)
So pray for us!!

Ironies...

Ironies... life is sure full of them!
Like yesterday... I updated my status like 30 times on facebook and then admitted I was addicted to it and that I needed to stop.  I also said it was too accessible by my phone.  Then this morning, my internet wasnt working on my phone.  Apperantly our carrier is having issues.  And its still not working... lol!  Not so accessible this morning.
And here's another one:  I have been praying and debating about getting a job.  I want to becuase Im bored staying at home all day... and really, I could work from 9-3 Tues.- Friday and wouldnt hurt Madi at all!! And since we dont have any other kids right now, and havent gotten any calls in a long time, I figured why no.  So today I decided that i was going to go put in applications at a few places around town and just see what would happen.  I got myself all dolled up (ok, so i did my hair and put some makeup on and actually paid attention to what I was wearing) and went to get in the car.  Put the key in and.... nothing.  So I had to call my mom and have her come to give me a jump.  And nothing.  So either the battery or the alternator or starter or something.  Ugh.  But then I got a call this afternoon with a referral for a baby who is medically fragile and has a failure to thrive diagnosis.  We said yes, but the county has to pick if we get her or not.  So if I had gone tody and gotten a job, i would have had to quit!  Ironic.
And the car thing leads me to another one.  Ive been telling Mike we desperatly need another vehicle and he agrees, but money is tight and we cant afford much at all.  So then the car breaks today, just when we decided to go ahead an persue an inexpensive van.  Oh my.  Now what! lol!!

Well, if I wasnt a Christian, I would be singing that old Alanis Morrisette song, Isnt it Ironic (ok, I still am singing it), but I am a Christian and I KNOW this is all God.  I know God didnt want me to go for a job today... He wants me to be available for these poor kids who need us.  I still dont know what the whole car thing means, but IM just gonna trust Him.  He knows our needs and is faithful to provide!!  And the phone thing... I wasnt so obsessive about it today... and I may have gotten a little more "Jesus time" in, but im not sure.. I didnt look at the time when I started... but either way, being "unplugged" for a few hours is always good!!!

But UGH, what a day!!!!

My Papal

My Papal passed away this morning.  I know he is in a better place, but its still hard.  He is singing and dancing with Jesus.

Party @ the Matsons!

This Sunday we are (finially) having our house warming party!  YAY!  I am so very excited to open up our home to our friends and family.  Living with my mom was a learning experience and IM glad to have had it, but I missed the freedom to have friends over, to have that "open house" feeling.  I missed partys and late night get togethers.  So this feels like the begining of getting back into that!! 
I want our house to be a welcoming place and place where people can feel safe, feel happy, and where God reigns supreme!!

As for me and my house... We will serve the Lord!!

On another note... we have decided to have "fair foods" for he party!!  I got a cotton candy maker (one of my yardsale find @ $1), and Shell gave us her funnel cake maker!!  So we have that, plus we are going to try mini corn dogs (homemade, of course, not the frozen nasties), caramel dip with apple slices, lemonade, popcorn, and baked french fries (my attempt to have something un-fried! lol!).   I love fall and I think this will be a great way to celebrate fall funness!!!

I know, random post, but sometimes life feels so serious and crazy, I just wanted to share something fun and exciting that I am looking forward to!  Yeah, really i should be cleaning right now... the living room needs vaccuumed soooo bad, but eh, it can wait! haha!! :o)


And to end this random post, here is a funny for you:  Madi was upstairs watching My Fair Lady (love that movie), and I went up and sat with her for a few mins to sing a long with "Loverly".  We love to sing that song together!  Anyways.. she was singing and came to the part where she sings, "lots of chocolate for me to eat" and Madi suddenly stopped singing and got a thoughtful look on her face and said "Mommy, she must not be very healthy if she eats lots of chocolate, and thats not appropriate".  OH MY.  She is definitly turning into me!!  I am always saying to her, thats not appropriate.  We explained that word to her very early on becuase she had a lot of behaviors and ideas that were really bad, like she always wanted her belly to be showing and to wear short skirts and shorts (shes 8, so at this age it is definitly not ok!).  So now she uses the word a lot (all in the right context, but its always so precocious and funny!).  Love my little girl!!!

The End of an Age

Clarence Altland, otherwise know as Pete to the world is my grandpa.  The past few years, he hasnt been so much of the grandpa I knew due to the alzhiemers that has attacked his brain, but before that he was a wonderful Papal.  I remember him always having a hug for me, always having time for me, and always loving me.
He cleaned the church I grew up in for years, mowing the lawn, vacumming, clearing the communion cups, and lots of other tasks.  He had an "office" and I loved going in there.  The lost and found box was a treasure trove to a young girl, and he had stuff marked so that if it had ben in there for more than a certain time it would either go to the goodwill or me! :o)  It was mostly little junk and trinkets, but he knew I thought it was wonderful, so he always let me riffle through it.
One thing about both my grandparents, Papal and my Mamal (Betty), they always supported my dreams... especially my dream of music.  Before my Papal's disease really got a hole of his brain, he told me one day that he loved my voice.  He loved the way I sang and played and that it reminded him of grandma (who taught me to play piano) and he asked me to sing at his funeral one day.  I laughingly said yes, subconsiously feeling as tho my Papal was immortal, so i would never have to do it.
Hes old.  He is mortal.  And today Im facing his mortality in a strong way.  My poor papal has gangrene and it probably has gone septic.  Its the End.  They are bringing in the morphone drip and the hospital bed.  He cant walk anymore and is in a lot of pain.  Its The End of an Age.
My grandparents have been together for ever!!  I know the best sceneario is for Papal to go first, because he couldnt live without his "sweetie".  But my heart breaks for my grandma and the loss that she will have to face.  The end of her lifetime with her true love.
If you read this.. please pray for Pete.  Pray for Betty.  And pray for my family.  My family has a lot of people who like to be drama queens and who seems to know just how to make life miserable for others and this isnt the time for it.  Pray for peace within my family.

Madi's Mask

Im sitting here in the living room listening to Madi talk with her adoption worker and she is making a mask with her that shows how she feels on the inside and she said loved.  And drew a heart and put a dot in it and said God makes her feel loved.  Then added two other dots that were Mike and I and said that we make her feel loved too.
Im glad she feels loved by God.  That makes me know that we are doing a good job.  Even if she hadnt put us in there... just that she immedietly said I feel loved and its God who makes me feel that way, thats worth a 1000 words telling me that we are doing a good job.
Last night after Bible School, she asked us why she couldnt go cause she wants to go to bible school and learn about the bible and about Jesus.  I love that!! I love that she wants to learn more about God and she is hungry for His word in her little 8 yr old way! She has a big girl bible that she cant really read very well, and she asked for a bible that she can read, so Im going to make sure I set aside a few bucks to get her an easy reader Bible soon!! 

Sometimes I really feel like Im screwing up royally.  I feel like I have no patience with her, that I am not teaching her anything.  And that she is going to grow up to hate me and God and life becuase Im not a good mom.  (Yea, Satan has been messing with my mind!) But things like this are God's way of subtly pointing out that Im doing ok.  Im doing my best.  I can always get better, but Im trying and praying and thats what counts!

Battle Ground or Play Ground

Last night, I started my first Bible School class with International School of Ministry.  Im really excited about this opportunity!!  I can be ordained in 2.5 years, and the best part is, I will spend the next 2.5 yrs learning more of the Word, drawing closer to the Lord and learning how to be a better Worship Leader! 

During our discussion time, we were talking about how the Bible and knowing scriptures can help us in our spiritual walk.  One of the girls said that it helps prepare us for war, for the battles we have to face as Christians.  Then she said something that stuck with me... she said that Christians need to treat this walk as a Battle Ground... not a Play Ground.

Oh my goodness... seriously, thats soooo true!  I know for me, I skip around like, la de da, this is a lovely life.  And, yes it is.  It really is.  Im blessed and I love life, but if Im being honest and not putting my baby christian blinders on, there is serious stuff out there.  Now, I dont think we should be getting our panties in a bunch and going crazy with the battle stuff, but its important!!   Remember that we do not battle against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers.  This is a spiritual battle that needs to be waged in prayer and w/ scriptures!!! 

Im going to try to be more aware of the battles going on around me.  Im going to try to see this world through God's eyes more often, and mine less often.  Father, help me to see when I need to engage in battle.  Help me to be clothed in your Holy Spirit and help me to remember my armour.