So this afternoon I started this post talking abot how I felt better after some prayer, a nap, and the frosting of like a gajillion mini cupcakes. I was talking about how I was all ready to have a great afternoon with Madi, when the roof caved in. Madi and I had THE worst afternoon/evening together in a long long long time. If you've been following for awhile, you might remember how I was at my wits end with her this summmer/fall. Today was a day that made me feel like I did back then. It was a mess. She was a mess... and I actually lost it and was a mess too.
We didnt go to gymnastics, we didnt have a whole lot of fun, and it didnt feel much like a birthday till about 8:15 pm.
When everyone finially calmed down... including this emotional momma, we did eat cupcakes and opened presents and daddy even got out the silly string. We took some pictures and even laughed a bit.
As I sat in my self induced timeout, allowing the cool dark air of our bedroom to spread over me, I just asked,God why is she doing this? What is making her resort to these behaviors I thought we had conquered?
I didnt get a light bulb, or a big booming voice... but as I laid on my bed crying, I remembered reading about how birthdays and holidays are big triggers for kids who have been abused. Or neglected. Or adopted. Madi was all three. I think that this day made her miss her bio-siblings. It probably made her think about past birthdays... and who knows what happened to her on those days. It probably made her miss her bio-parents. Maybe even made her miss her other foster family. There was a lot to miss. A lot to mourn and grieve, and a little kid who just doesnt know how to do that.
Even so... understand what she is feeling... understand what is possibly making her act so crazy... doesnt seem to make dealing with it any easier.
I think its really hard becuase I know how awesome she is. I know how sweet and tender she can be. I know how she wants to be good... how she wants to do what the Bible says. I know that personality that can make the sun shine of the rainiest of days. Today I missed my little girl. Today it felt like some crazy bad screaming monster was dressed as my daughter.
Hopefully tomorrow my little girl will be back. My 9 year old girl. Wow. 9. Its hard to beleive... especially since she looks 5 or 6!!
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I am so glad to hear that things a least ended better and that God gave you revelation on maybe some of the causes. I will continue to pray for you guys. Those who adopt, especially older children from the system need extra prayer to deal with the emotional and spiritual issues. You are doing a wonderful job! (By the way this is world changer mom. I changer my post name to reflect my blog)
ReplyDeleteMaybe once she is back to more her normal self, you can talk with her about those feelings. Maybe it would be easier to let her have her birthday as day that isn't celebrated like most people. Maybe she (and you) can come up with a plan for next year and any other major holidays. Someway to deal with those feelings. Considering how great you guys have been with giving her the tools to handle those feelings, I am certain you will be able to help her with this one so that the next celebration can be just that.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, not sure where along I started following your blog. Just was one I keep coming back to.
I think you are such a wise and loving mom... :)
ReplyDeleteBirthdays and holidays are tough! We just passed the 1 yr mark of our lil guy coming ot live with us, and it was a hellish week. I think he remembred the move. Good luck, and keep your chin up!
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies... glad to know I am not alone. Sometimes I hear advice on how to parent a "normal" kid and I WISH i had advice on hwo to parent madi... cause the regular advice JUST AINT WORKING! :o)
ReplyDeleteI am hoping to get to discuss some of this with her, but she doesnt have a handle on her emotions. She gets happy and angry... but not much in between. We have one of those emotion charts... but she only ever picks happy, excited, or angry.
I am following a few things I have read about and learned about from other moms... like if you have a party with others outside the immediate fam, make the party on a different day than thier actual birthday. And last year, we only had our family and friends and thier kids... we didnt have any of her school friends their becuase of the chaos and extra excitement. Last year, the party went very well. And her adoption party went very well.. no outbursts or rotten behavior. A little excitement, and some extra showing off... but it all felt very normal.
So we are having a party for the extended family and some of our friends.... i think this will be ok.
We are going to work on next year. Hopefully we can fix what was wrong this year. :o)