Sigh.

I promised myself that I would share the good, bad, and ugly in regards to foster care.  There is this tendency for foster parents to paint lifes picture with a foster kid as rosy and pretty in order to entice more people into doing it.  Its not that we are lying or trying to decieve, its that we want more people to save orphans! But, I dont want to deceive or even lead anyone to beleive that this is simply a walk in the park. 
I believe truly, that fostering and adoption is one of the hardest things I have ever ever done, but is completely the most rewarding expeirience of my life.  I also believe its not necessarily for everyone... but that every single Christian is called to help the orphans.  Ahh, I am digressing.  That's a word right.... digressing?  Or is it simply, I digress?  Whatever.  HOLY RABBIT TRAILS Batman!  (It's been like this all day!)
Right now we are having some issues with Jay.  She is the 8 yr old.  Jay is a quiet, happy, easy-going kid, who likes to nap and dance, and color.  She loves Jesus and gets very excited about Him, and goodness, this kid can SING!  She has a natural beautiful voice that you wouldnt think could come out of an 8 yr old!!  Lately tho, we have seen act more like a sullen, sad, (yikes... even depressed) little girl who is lying almost hourly.  I think Jay is actually very very intelligent and I beleive she has the capacity to do extremely well in school, but she is failing 3rd grade right now.  Despite the hour or two of EXTRA help we give her every night, she is stuck.  She isnt trying and I can't seem to get her to care.  She lies about Madi, she lies about school work, she lies about chores, her birth mom.  Everything.  We are at the point where her teacher emails me her homework and what she needs to bring back, etc everyday just so she isnt falling behind any more!
Like all our kids, she is in counseling, and today I took a few mins and spoke with her counselor alone.  He thinks she is a bit depressed and not feeling very loved. 
Her birth mom has 5 kids.  18, 17, 12, 8, &7.  They are all in different places right now... except her sister Kiki... the 12 yr old.  Last night, Kiki, Jay, and the 7 yr old, Jojo (who lives with another family right up the road) had a visit with their mom and she bought Kiki a camcorder, a camera, and gave her some money.  She gave Jojo a HUGE bag full of stuff (I'm not sure what was in it) and told him that they bought him a guitar, but since it was raining and they had to walk, they didnt bring it.  All Jay got was a small bag with some junk food in it.  And since we only let the kids have like one peice of junk a week, she couldnt even enjoy it.  This morning she was even more quiet than usual.  I took a moment to chat with her one-on-one, and she admitted to me that she felt like her mom didnt care about her.   That explains a lot.  That explains why she doesnt want my love (shes mad at her mom), it explains why she wanted to take a book along to her visit (so she could escape), and why she seems to crave Mike's attention and responds to his attention much more than me (mom hurts, dad doesnt).
After our chat, I sensed a change.  Not that was instantly back to her bubbly self, but maybe just a little less anxious.  A little more peace.  Then when I dropped her and Madi off at school, she turned around and gave me a HUGE hug.  A true squeezer.  And she held it.  Remember when I said fostering was the hardest thign we've done?  Well, that was walking through the last few days with her.  And then I said it was the most rewarding thing?  That was that hug.  Jay is NOT a hugger.  She is not quick to show love to us.  But today when she hugged me and I leaned down and kissed her head. She sighed.  One of those, "it's going to be ok" sighs.  :oD
Its not easy.  Its stressful.  It makes me wanna scream sometimes.  BUT, God knows.  He knows when I need to see a glimmer of hope.  A glimmer that shows us that what we are doing is good.  And let me tell you, that hug was more than a hug.  It was a light at the end of the tunnel.  It was rewarding.  It was exactly what this momma needed!!