Life

The girls came home yesterday... and within 20 mins, Madi was whispering in my ear asking when they could go back.  Kiki was sooooo hyper and strange and was talking and making weird noises non-stop.  Jay was hyper as well and they were back to being rude to each other.  We had been working with them to be nice to each other and other people... like us and Madi, but it seemed they had forgotten all about that.
The plus... they had a really great time!! There were a lot of kids, a lot of toys, and a fun church.  Jay wants to go back next weekend, Kiki said she wants to go back in a few weeks.  So that made me feel a LOT better about sending them. 
Then today.... Kiki made me so very angry.  I spent time and money finding her some used, but new looking soccer cleats, and shin guards, not to mention practice clothing for her soccer tryouts today.  At 12 I beleive if she desires to do something, I will help her have the materials and equipment needed, but she needs to take the responsibility to get me information, papers that I need to sign etc.  So today, she forgot one of the papers that she needs to tryout.  I took it to her.  Oh, I asked her everyday last week to find out when tryouts were over so I could come get her.  She never did, so I called to find out.  She said she went to the office to check... but the office said she never came, becuase if she had they would have given her a paper about it.  THEN she got on the wrong bus and was taken to TRACK tryouts... and instead of asking to call me to come get her to take her to the soccor tryouts, she sat there for 2 hours.  Then called and asked to be taken... after it was to late.  THEN (favorite part) she blamed it on the coach, the office, and ME.  Pshhh.  Nope... dont go there.  I did all I could.  She had such an attitude.  And then Mike had already planned to sit down with her about her grades... she is not doing so hot.  Not failing, but not good either.  She told Mike the teachers didnt like her, didnt help her, gave her bad grades on purpose, AND the one teacher apparantly didnt give her the information she needed to pass her test.  BIG FAT SIGH.  She clearly beleives that.  She takes no resposibilty for any of her activities.  Instead of asking which bus to get on, she just picks on and its the offices fault that its the wrong one.  Instead of asking to use the phone to call me, she sits there like a bump on a log and blames the coach for not telling her to call us.  Instead of saying to herself, I should have asked the office like I was supposed to LAST WEEK, she blamed me for not getting the info for her.  And instead of owning up to the fact that she hasnt been studying, she says the teacher wants her to fail.

I had to ask myself tonight, what was I thinking when I agreed to take in a teenager.  Mike and I had always said we didnt want anyone older than Madi, and then, in our sadness, agreed to take the first set of kids that we were presented with.  I know God has a purpose in them being here... for us and them.  But, I am feeling like I am just not the momma for them.  So we are just praying about what to do.  I know that we will NOT move them during the school year....that would be so wrong for them.  I really dont beleive we are to adopt them.  All the praying I have been doing (and its been a lot), I think that God has another family for them, if they end up being adopted... which seems more and more likely lately.  SO pray with us.  I dont want to do what I think is best, I want to do what God thinks is best.  Even if it is uncomfortable, or doesnt make a normal family picture, if its God, I want to do it. 

My brain is so full... my heart is heavy, and I am feeling stressed and maybe even depressed... which is something i have really not ever felt before.  Life is feeling so hard and heavy.  It feels like it takes 3 times the effort to do something than it did a month ago.  Jesus, take this heaviness.  Make my heart light, and give me my joy back in YOU!  I need it.  I want it.  I choose life everyday.  I choose to try to be happy everyday... but lately its be hard to feel what I am claiming... so I just need some help.  Prayers.  Love.  Hope.  Ya know... the usual!