I posted a status on facebook yesterday. And I got a snarky comment on someone elses status in response. Dont know if this person reads my blogs... and I guess I dont really care, but I wanted address the thought behind the snarkiness. Not in a defense, or nastily... just felt like a lot of people just dont "get it".
My status was about our day.. all we did and what we were going to be doing that evening. At the end, I said, "and Madi is off her meds, so it made all this stuff seems longer, harder, and more stressful."
I was then accused of "playing the victim". And I "signed up for it, so get over it".
I dont think even the most educated foster prent knows what they are truly getting into when they "sign up for it". But thats not even the point.
When Madi is on her meds, she is not a normal child. It does not make her suddenly become this perfect, wonderful raised from birth child. Its not a magic pill. Even on her meds, she doesnt do much cause and affect thinking, she is super impulsive, she interupts constantly, cries easily, gets her feelings hurt all the time, is obbsessive about things and is super super super paranoid and scared. Like more scared than you and I can imagine. But, she is more focused, she can do things for a longer period of time, has more reasoning skills, and is much less mean becuase she is much less frustrated at life. But, she also is more distant and doesnt give as much "lovies".
When Madi is not on her meds, like now, she is the poster child for ADHD, attatchment disorders, and the affect of abuse and neglect on a kid. She is mean and nasty. Angry a lot. She is so hyper, she cant sit still and cant focus at all. She is not at all logical, interupts constantly, is ridiculously impulsive, repeats almost everything you say and she does things she knows she isnt supposed to do, becuase she has absolutly no cause and affect thinking. But she isnt scared of much. She does give tons of lovies, and she has more life in her eyes.
Either way... Madi is not an easy child. She will never be an easy kid. Thats just the way it is. Its stressful to be the one who constantly has to keep her on track becuase she cant keep herself on track. Especially without meds. It makes the days longer... it makes every task you do with her a stressful task. But... its ok. Im not really complaining. Im not saying I wish it wasnt different, Im just saying that I cand eal with. I am dealing with it, and will continue to deal with until I die becuase she is my child and I am commited to helping her. So when I post a frustrating... its ok. Im ok. Its just life! God has given us this kid and we prayerfully parent her. We look to God when things are easy and when they get rough. Its Godly wisdom that we strive for. But God made me... me... so He knows that I may need to vent sometimes and that I need Grace as much as the next momma... probabaly more!!
Side note... Madi is off her meds becuase we are going to try a new one to try to get rid of the extreme paranoia and fear. Its so bad, its actually going into a psychosis... its hard to explain if you havent seen it, so Im not even going to try. We are letting her system get back to normal.. drug free before starting her on a new med. She has her appt next Tuesday.
I think that no matter how many blogs I post, and and status' I update, you will never be able to understand without being there. Without having done this. Parenting a child like Madi is an experience I will never have the words to adequetly express. So, please... dont judge us. Dont judge the special needs parents either. I may yell at her.. and I may sometimes seem like a crazy lady with her, but she is safe and happy and healthy and that makes me a good momma.
Right now there is a case in the PA legal system that is about 2 parents who possibly beat and starved there russian-born son. There are days when I ball my fists in frustration to keep me from smacking Madi, but I would never abuse her. So, Im not playing the victim.. I am the victor in JESUS. I did sign up for this, but the day I "get over it" is the day I dont care... and then what kind of parent would I be?! :o)
