Its begining to dawn on me. I have tried to avoid it, saying I would never let it happen. But. It has.
I have begun to treat Madi and the other foster kids differently. Its not a conscious thing, and I certainly am not trying to seperate them. Someone told us that it might happen. That, after adopting her, when it has sunk in that she is truly ours, we may start to view her and the others on different levels, but we always swore we weren't like that.
I knew in some way we loved Madi more than the other two... but she has been with us for a long time, compared with Jay and Kiki... they have only been here for 2 months.
I dont want to treat them differently, but in some ways, I think its inevitable.
We are more demonstrative in showing love to Madi, becuase she is a VERY touchy kid, and the other two arent as much. They always give us goodnight hugs and if we ask for a hug, they will give one, but they never ask. Madi, on the other hand, used to be TOOOOO touchy feely, due to her past and her attachtment disorder, and now has toned it down, but still loves her huggies and lovies!
Since Madi isnt a foster kid, we dont HAVE to give her an allowance, but she does have the opportunity to earn one, like the other girls. Most time though, Madi chooses to earn a prize instead of money. For her, money goes into a bank and gets forgotten about... she much prefers to work for something immediate, like a Littlest Pet Shop Toy, or a new "Jesus Book". But, the other two get a dollar a day whether they earn it or not. (Dont worry, they have chores and we think they earn it!). Now, Jay has more money than Madi in her bank, but she still gets mad when Madi gets a new toy... even though we give her the opportunity to take her money to the store and buy things with it.
Family and friends also treat Madi differently... but not in a mean way. Madi is a ball of charm and if you like kids, you inevitably cant help but love Madi. We went to a party a couple of weeks ago, and the host hadnt met the girls yet, so when he did he said hi and was (of course) nice and polite, but when he saw Madi, he picked her up and said "There's my favorite girl!" (This guy is a BIG kid, and definitly kinda crazy and A.D.D., so he and Madi are 2 peas in a pod). After that, the whole night, Kiki was very angry with Madi and wouldnt play with her, and since Jay does everything Kiki does, Madi had a very sad night.
Its very difficult to find the right way to handle this. I LOVE Jay and Kiki, and even though I know they arent "mine", and will be going home at some point, I feel like they are "my girls" too! But, Madi truly is MY GIRL. There is such a peace and a restful feeling knowing that Madison is our child. For so long and with so many kids, there is no control, it doesnt matter how great of a parent you are, that kid could be taken from you becuase they are not yours! And now I know that if I continue to be a good momma, no one can take her. We make the choices for her life and can make them prayerfully and with HER best interests at heart. It must be what "normal" parents feel... maybe I could call it an easy love? A love without reservations? I know before the adoption, I held a peice of me back becuase I was so fearful of losing her, like we had lost so many others. Like our miscarriages. I feel like I was in mommy self-preservation mode... love as much as you can... but still keep part of your heart hidden so at least that part wont get hurt. But now... my heart is wide open with her. She is my "first born", my heart, my child.
Does that make loving her more ok? Im struggling. I dont want to be Madi's mom, and Jay and Kiki's foster mom. I just want to be everyones Mom. For them to feel loved and WANTED and cared for and important!! I dont want to be just an average whatever foster mom. I want to make a difference in their lives. To show them true love, Christ's love. I dont want them to feel inadequate simply becuase adults in their lives made wrong choices and they ended up being plopped in some random strangers house!
Have any of you been through this in some way... I think I could use some insight.
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I think this is a VERY heartfelt post. And I think it all comes down to, can you love different people in different ways? Yes!
ReplyDeleteThe only caution I would have is not to go too far in the other direction to compensate. My very best friend and her biological sister were raised by their birth parents who also raised many, many, many foster children - one of whom they then adopted.
In their family, both girls were always a step "below" the foster children. Their parents' rationalization was good - "they need us more" - but the end result was two little girls who ended up with a mommy and daddy who put them off to the side while they tended to other needs, and I think that was a shame.
But I know you - you have a HEART for ALL children! And you can do this!
I think anyone who has fostered a child and has another child (either bio or adopted) has to really work on this. I know we did. We worked hard at making sure there were - NO differences. Bedtimes, hugs, toy giving, chores, time with them, everything was the same - as much as possible! I would go out of my way to make sure that all the children in our home (whether we thought they were staying or not) were the same.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard. Especially when you know the other children may be going back. It is really hard, but I will be praying for wisdom.
I think a thought that helped me was- if the other children in my home end up staying and we adopt them (which is always a possibility) how would I treat them now? That struck me like a big stick!
I knew that because of behaviors, attitudes, visits, social workers, court cases, etc. it would not be easy, but I will pray!!!!
It is hard, and it is different in some ways, but is it? STRUGGLE - a real struggle especially for those who have lived it!